Mya Than Tint - Tolstoy's view of life and history

Tolstoy's view of life

Five years ago, a very strange thing arose in my mind. Because of that thing, I could not understand the strangeness of human life. It seemed as if my life had ended. I did not know how to live in this world and what work to do. Thus, I thought that my life was over and felt sad. But that thing disappeared. I continued to live as before without realizing it. Until now, that burning pain has not disappeared completely, but has appeared frequently and in great volume as before. That thing always appears in my mind as questions. These questions are: Why do we live in this world? After living this life, how else would I live? “At first, I thought that there were no questions like, ‘Is that Brahmin meaningful?’ I thought that there was no need to search for the elder brother of that monk. I thought that there was no time to think and I had not yet found the answer. But if I really thought about it, I could easily change my mind. But those questions kept coming up again and again, demanding answers, and like ink dots falling in one place, they became a big black spot, so those questions that kept coming up in my head had become a big black spot.

My situation is like that of a person suffering from a serious internal disease that can be life-threatening. At first, the symptoms of the disease appear in small amounts. Suddenly, I don't pay attention to them. Then, one after another, the symptoms appear, and then they come together, forming a chronic disease.

Thus the disease gradually developed. While the sick man was looking for medicines, what he had thought was a trivial matter had become a major danger to him in the world. That danger was death.

My situation was similar to his. At that time, I realized that the questions that were arising in my mind were not just trivial matters, but very important matters. I realized that I had to find answers to these questions that kept arising over and over again. So I tried to answer them. These questions seemed not only meaningless, but also childish, but as I tried to solve them, I suddenly realized the following in my mind. (1) These questions were not meaningless questions, not questions that could be solved by a child, but the most important and profound questions of human life. (2) No matter how hard I tried to solve these questions, I could not solve them.

I have to take care of the affairs of my Sanmara estate, I have to think about the education of my son. Or I have to write a book. Before I do these things, I must know for myself why I am doing them. If I do not know the reasons for doing these things, I cannot do anything. I cannot live. I was thinking about the administration of my Sanmara estate at that time. While I was thinking about this, questions arose. "Now, Nikolayevich Kolesnikov has ten thousand acres of land to cultivate in Sanmara . There are about three hundred horses. "What will I do now?" I asked myself. I could not find an answer. I was disappointed. Again, when I thought about the education of my children, I asked myself, "What will I do for them?" Again, when I thought about the plans to improve the lives of my farmers and my serfs , the question suddenly arose, "What does this have to do with me?" Again, when I thought about my own success and fame, I said, "Yes, I am a writer more famous than Goethe, Pushkin, Shakespeare, Mill, or any other writer in the world." I did not ask myself, "What is the meaning of such fame?" I could not find the answer to these questions, but the questions of the Lord were always asking me, and I had to answer them immediately. If I could not answer the questions, I would not live. It won't be possible to live there. But look for it.

As I was answering this question, it felt as if the ground I was standing on had collapsed. I felt as if there was nothing beneath my feet. What I was standing on was gone. I felt as if I had nothing to stand on.

I felt as if I was going to collapse. “At that time, my life seemed to have stopped. I was doing the usual things like breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, etc. But I was lifeless. I didn’t think there was anything in the world that was worth living for, or anything that was meaningful if it was fulfilled. Even if a goddess from the sky came and asked for a wish, I didn’t know what kind of wish I would ask for. When I was intoxicated with great joy, something similar to a wish would appear in my mind . (A wish cannot be fulfilled by itself, it is just something that has appeared because I had had many wishes before.) However, when I was happy and calm, I realized that even such a thing was just an illusion of the mind. I realized that there was really nothing in the world that was worth living for. I didn’t know what the truth was. Having considered it, I no longer want to know the truth. The truth that I have just considered is none other than the truth that human life is meaningless. If I eat, I eat. If I get up, I go. In the end, I will reach the deep abyss. I am just living, but one day I will be destroyed. There is nothing else ahead. I see this. However, after I have walked the great journey of human life, I cannot stop. I cannot turn back. I cannot see that there is only suffering and death in front of me, and I cannot. I can no longer close my eyes to the fact that I am doomed to destruction. I am not happy, I am healthy and have no possessions. I can no longer live. It is as if some great force is urging me to leave this world. But I don't think that I can call it a suicidal desire or a longing. I don't think I have any desire or any longing. The great force that is driving me out of this world is ruling me. That great force is growing bigger and stronger, becoming stronger and stronger, and it is taking over all my desires and longings.

Every time a person thinks, he thinks about his own well-being and progress . This is the nature. That is why I used to think about my own well-being and progress. But now I no longer have those thoughts. Every time I think, I think about my own destruction and cessation. Those thoughts are so clear and strong that I have to force myself not to commit suicide as prescribed by those thoughts. If I cannot solve these problems, I will inevitably suffer at some point. Since then, fate has given me a chance to live without material things. What should I do? Every evening, I hang myself in the closet where I change my clothes alone, so I hide the ropes nearby. I also decided not to do anything like go out into the woods with a deadly weapon, fearing that I would end my life in the easiest way possible.