Min Khan Soe San - The First Lover

Throughout my childhood, I sat by the window of a small attic, silently yearning for the sunshine and the breeze, the scent of flowers and fruits...

I'm a weak girl... Ko Ko.

I was... too weak to show myself as tall as a pyramid. I was too weak to show myself as sharp as a thorn on a rose. I was too weak to show myself as flowing with my dreams like a river... Ko Ko.

``Oh... I was a bad person at everything.

That's why no one paid attention to this poor, poor girl called 'Humongsak Wanyo'... Yes, of course... I was unlucky.

My father and mother themselves forgot to acknowledge me with love. When I was in school, all those who I considered friends refused to acknowledge me with warmth...

Me....

All my childhood, I spent my time sitting by the window of my small house, gazing at the scenery outside. I secretly loved the little rays of sunlight that crept in through that window, and I secretly kissed the little breeze that carried the scent of flowers and fruits,

When the winter snows and fogs come, for me, the fairy dreams of the city of dreams come clattering through that little window...

Those sweet winter dreams were like precious Christmas presents wrapped in red paper for me as a child (during the bad Christmas season when everyone around me forgot to give this little girl anything).

Oh my... That was my childhood... The weather was so bad.

... For me, the arrival of winter is so quiet...

The mysterious atmosphere of the night, the sounds of the night, the darkness, the old station with its lanterns, the black steam locomotives pulling in,

I can't say I've seen those scenes in movies about the Middle Ages in Europe... For me, the arrival of winter is like a long, silent train slowly entering a dark and gloomy train station...

It's a cold winter night...

While other children were happily playing in the moonlight on the street... this outcast girl was biting her lip tightly and crying silently in the darkness.

The scent of the mountain ash flowers drifted gently in the north wind, and every now and then I could smell a faint, blue, damp, and slightly bitter, reminiscent aroma.

The smell comes from burning piles of dried leaves...

Grandma was burning the garbage she had gathered from the yard, the dry leaves, and every now and then she would poke the fire with a stick to stir it and adjust the fuel.

I sat by the fire, watching the white smoke billowing into the winter night sky. I could hear the crackling sound of the dry leaves burning. The snowdrops falling from the eaves of the house made small depressions in the sandy ground...

"Hey..." I heard a group of kids my age from the playground shouting happily.

My chest hurts...

In the evening... I imagined the scene of the game again. Yes. In the evening...

They were playing in a row on the street. “They...' I mean the kids on the street who were my age.... The fourth, fifth, sixth graders who were a little older than me... and then there were two or three girls on the other side of the street.

No one paid any attention to me, who was standing at a distance, watching them. (A girl who was allowed to leave the house only occasionally was a complete stranger to them, and very interesting.)

"Come... come and play with us," no one even remembered to invite them, and it's possible that they deliberately forgot to mention it while they were still in the know...

I watched them play from a distance, stroking my heart again. I easily understood the game of cards they were playing, and my desire to play became even greater...

There are barriers on the ground. The advancing team has to cross from the top to the last one. Each team member in each line is responsible for catching anyone who crosses their line, while the advancing team has to run around and around to avoid being caught.

It's not enough to just cross the last line, you have to go back and cross the first line that started from the last. This time, you can safely return to the front and call it 'Aung Lan Thu' and win a game...,

It's so much fun to watch them play. When they're caught... when they're caught... they're caught. There's a 'hot rice noodle' line on the side. Sometimes, while running around and running around, they'll step on that line and lose, saying, "The rice noodle is hot." Isn't that funny?

So.. I hesitantly approached them... and finally, with a last-ditch effort, I spoke.

“I want to play too.”

They stopped playing and said... wow... They looked around at me with their green, bitter eyes...

"You know how to play?" "We're already full."

"Don't put him in our team... If we lose because of him, we won't take responsibility."

Unwanted voices, an atmosphere of distrust, and darkness... I felt like I was half-dead, wanting to turn around and run away.

There... an older girl who seemed a little compassionate...

"He'll want to play too... Let him play, just let him eat and drink."

"Yes... yes... he said, "Rice, meat

I didn't understand the term "rice, meat, and vegetables." I just thought it was a random thought. I was overwhelmed by the realization that I had the opportunity to play with them, and I suddenly felt very happy.

The meaning of the phrase "rice, meat, and vegetables" is... It means that it is illegal for me to win or lose in this game, and that it is a label that defines me as someone who doesn't care about anything, no matter what I do...

It's too late.

I tried to be the best in the games I was allowed to participate in. Let me say it again. I... tried to be the best.

As soon as the race started, I crossed the top line and ran in. Look... I was so light and fast...

No one in the crowd could catch me (how would I know if they had let me go on purpose) and I crossed the finish line in a flash. Half the victory was won.

Feeling satisfied with himself, he immediately turned around and joined the line again.

The fourth row, the third row, the second row... I was slowly approaching the top row. My steps... were quick. As soon as I ran past the top row, I...

"I'm so happy, I'm so happy," I shouted at the top of my voice.

When I turned my head and looked back... the game was as if nothing had happened. The one who pushed kept pushing... and the one who stopped kept stopping... and so on.

"Hmm... we won, didn't we?" Why isn't the game over yet?

I thought, "Did I do something wrong?" A terrible cloud of doubt filled my mind.

I tried again, and went back to the first line. This time, not giving it too much. Slowly... slowly and steadily, my doubt grew stronger and more painful.

Why didn't anyone arrest me?

I bit my lip tightly... I decided to do something. Then... I deliberately and precisely stepped on the rice pudding and stood straight on it.

Nothing happens in the game.

They continued playing as usual. They didn't even recognize me and kept playing. 'I'm standing on the 'rice soup bowl'...'

....

Then...