Nyein Kyaw - Before the rain falls and the dark shadows run away

Before the rain falls and the dark shadows run away

Thank you to our friends at the Ministry of Home Affairs, Passport Verification Department, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Consular Affairs and Communications Department, and the Immigration Department for helping with Mimi Thaw's travel arrangements.

I would also like to thank my elder sister Yuwadi Jean Phoe who helped me with food, study, and health issues during my trip to the northern hills.

We would also like to thank the doctors, nurses, and staff at Yangon General Hospital and Mingalardon Hospital for their tireless efforts to care for Mimi's health.

I would especially like to thank Dr. Maung Maung Nyo, Dr. Maung Maung Than, U Kyaw Khin, and U Mya Than (Ministry of Foreign Affairs).

[1]

The cool sunlight entered through the western windows, its golden hues. I didn't even feel the touch of warmth on my body. Yet I knew I felt it inside. And my heart was beating a little faster than usual. As I woke up, his image flashed before my eyes. I could hear his voice. His form became a complete image in my mind. In a moment, he was gone from my mind.

I turned my face to the window. Some of the branches were moving. Thin shadows were moving on the glass. The density was so low that I walked towards the shadow of the glass. As I got closer, the shadows of the branches and leaves became more and more dense.

The wind, which had no place to settle, blew in through the open window. The spring evening was calm. The dark green leaves of the many-jointed trees were scattered. The sun, which had come down from between the sycamore, the emperor, and the pine trees, gradually faded in the distance. I took a deep breath and could smell the dry earth. Then my eyes wanted to stare into the distance. I had been so careful to restrain myself from such a look for a long time. Now I thought I had followed my eyes. My eyes traveled along the green, high, and low hills, and the misty western horizon. I felt that everywhere, illuminated by the light of the clouds, was full of excitement. But it was so peaceful.

I have heard the longing of the one who left.

I can hear his footsteps approaching for the reunion.

Let me try to breathe with that kind of joyous sigh.

***

I remember the cards in order. I didn't put the cards for Maru and Lisu in order. They were just as they were on the dresser. I smiled to myself. I forget.

I thought to myself, "Are you getting tired of it?" I thought to myself. I, who am meticulous, wanted to laugh, thinking that even mistakes were being made. I knew that a feeling was entering my brain that I was going to compare and write the words for the three or four numbers of the year in the Burmese, Pyu, and Lisu languages. I could not help but see my own dishonest nature again. It was not easy to rearrange the thirty or forty cards. It would be done in a moment, but in frustration and a desire to make a fool of myself, I put down the card box. I quickly threw the cards I had already picked up on the box.

"Are you tired? I've been sitting for a long time. Let's take a walk for a while."

I turned to look at the sound coming from the pagoda. As I looked at the old lady's face, which seemed to always be smiling, I noticed the small wrinkles on her forehead and the wrinkles on her cheeks. Because of her pale skin, I thought she looked fifteen years younger than her actual age, only about forty. If my marriage problem hadn't happened, I don't think I would have reached this age. If you are from the same family, you will be the same.

"Big Mom... Would you like some coffee? I'll make it for you."

"It's still early, it's only nine o'clock, there are still five rounds of rosary left, go for a walk, son, I've been sitting all day since I ate, I'm going to have a hard time and my stomach is hurting, now... don't talk, h... h"

The clock and I turned to look at each other and said. The old lady didn't wait for me to say anything. She spoke as if she were talking to a child. She looked at me intently, as if she were looking into a mirror. I felt as if a spring was gently flowing in her gaze. The rosary in her hand would remain still until she got up from her seat. The swaying of her hips and the chair's cane

"Turn on the headlights quickly, don't think about this or that while walking, just walk without looking at the snake."

I placed my hands on the table and turned my face so that she could see me. I didn't want my mother to see me smile. If she did, she would ask me why I was smiling. She would ask me if I was smiling because I told her to smile. In fact, it was because of the phrase "think here, think there, think there." I knew that my mother was already paying attention to something related to the phrase "think there, think there, think there." I couldn't tell if the bond between the beads and the daughter-in-law was being blocked.

I've already thought about it in my own mind.

***

When I read the first letter he wrote to me, he was very surprised. Maybe it was because I didn't believe the words of someone who had once been so cruel. Maybe it was because he was still bitter and resentful. It was really hard to trust his feelings, who didn't care a bit. I read his letter and shook my head. Big Mom looked at me as if she didn't understand me, and frowned. Big Mom had already read the letters that came to her home address, and before I could read the letter, she heard it as a message on the stairs. Big Mom said happily. She was watching me as I read. She must have been surprised by my behavior, which had not changed at all. Big Mom seemed to think that the reasons in his letter would definitely excite me. It seemed that she couldn't bear the wait. She even asked.

"How are you feeling, son?"

As he folded the paper and put it in his bag, he searched for the answer. Unable to find the answer right away, he threw the envelope on the table and faced it.

"I don't believe him, big mama."

He was staring at my lips. He was listening intently to what I was going to say next.

“Tell me about your big mistake.” “He must have written it because he really wanted to come back.” I smiled sheepishly.

"I want to believe the words, 'He left without anyone', and now he wants to come back,'" said the old man, "the house that was destroyed."

I would like to be happy that the prison will be restored to its former glory. Who can guarantee that it will not return, even if it returns, or if it returns for a long time? I am a robot, and what does it matter if I am a piece of wood that does not feel? I would like to blame him. I want to believe that my daughter, Hmwe, died because of him. If we had not been separated, Hmwe would not be like this. The tides have changed, the weather has changed, but here, Hmwe would not be like this.”

I knew that anger was covering my eyes. My mother's face was filled with anger. She said with a faint smile.

"This is not a good idea. If you are destined to die, you will have to live somewhere. There is better medicine there than here. Death is not something that can be stopped once the fire has burned out. Don't be so stubborn as to be ignorant."

My lips, which were still tight, were still sore. Even as I spoke, I felt a pang of pain. I could see the sweet girl under my eyes. I could hear the indistinct words in my ears.

"What's the difference between him leaving to bury Hmu in a foreign country? What does he mean by wanting to come back? When I left, he brutally forbade me from taking her to the airport because she would be upset if she saw me. Can I forget all this, my dear? If I believe this heartless woman's words for once, who would be as stupid as me? There are men out there, she's married, she's still old enough to have more than ten children, I kept quiet, but when the matter came up, I told her. I don't want to talk about her, I don't want to hear about her. It hurts, my dear, it hurts so much."

At the end of the conversation, I heard the sound of Big May's heavy sigh. I saw Big May's eyes staring intently. All the forgotten events became impossible to erase.

"What happened in the past is what happened in the past, son. It seems like he's regretting it now. It really hurt me to read this letter. Think about it, son. Look at his side this time."

My eyes darted to my lips. My cheeks were tight and wrinkled. Both cheeks were pressed against my teeth. It was hard to separate my lips. My teeth and inner lips were biting hard. I tried to keep my voice calm before I spoke.

“Once upon a time, I didn’t look at you. Because I didn’t look at you, the whole marriage fell apart, my dear. I tried everything, but I couldn’t get it. I was hurt once while I was gone. I felt the sweetest and the worst. I don’t feel the same anymore. After returning from hell, this matter is as hot as ash. I will write to you, my dear, never think of coming back to me.”

"Oh... don't write so quickly, son," he thought, trying to take the hint.

"I'm reluctant to reconnect a broken thread, big sister."

"Yes, what you said is true, but... he was still very young at that time, only twenty-three years old. How could he have thought that, son, right?"

"He went there because he thought he would be happy, but he's not happy anymore, so what can I do? I didn't ask him to go, he went of his own accord."

"Yes, of course, my son, now he will return the property on his own terms."

He said, "I'm relieved." My words stopped for a moment. I heard him move his lips to speak.

"Do this, don't tell him to come back in the letter you write to him, don't tell him not to come back. Okay, let's wait and see, okay? I think he'll accept this."

I have a hard time denying those words that were spoken so forcefully.

"I don't want to tell you, my dear, not to think about the hurtful things again. Think about it from beginning to end. Think about all the resentments with all your might, but I want it to be the last time."

I don't know how many times I've thought about it. Those endless painful thoughts began the night he started saying he wanted to go and live in a foreign country forever. The feeling of heat inside me was the same as the explosion. It was no different except that people didn't know.